Hmmm. A baby hippo. That according to the knowledgeable people who draft the witty sayings on GAP kids jammies, is approximately how much I weigh.

Hmmm. Perhaps I should burn those pjs... Super Sorry Linden. Mommy couldn't handle the reminder.

It is difficult to imagine having the time to count calories again and get back down to 165 (my lowest since about 1997). The good news is that I lost 35 pounds last time on Weight watchers (in 2002 - 2003) and didn't climb back up to that horrific starting point until very recently.

I don't recall exactly how my time started to get eaten away in 15 increments - but it has and now I am wondering where I will find another 15 minutes to plan calories wise meals so that I don't scarf everything I see when I get home from work.

I need to do this. Can't really afford to pay weight watchers 15 a week - so maybe this forum will keep me accountable.

I can't title this entry - blogger is driving me nuts.

thank you

Just a quick thank you to everyone who sent emails messages, phone calls, cards and flowers. Although I have not been able to respond to everyone, please know that I am grateful to have such wonderful support.

Another thank you to those who shared their stories of loss and recovery. I know that miscarriages happen more often than we know in our friendship circle. It was comforting to hear the stories of those who have experienced the same loss. It really is something that you never really get over, but rather incorporate it into your self.

Thank you again.

Misconception

It took just a few words to confirm my worst thoughts.

No fetal heartbeat. Amniotic sac continued to progress to 10 weeks, fetus stopped growing at 8 weeks.
Did I want to stay for a D&C - recommended as I was 12 weeks and nothing was progressing as planned (pregnancy or miscarriage).

So I stayed, and about 10 hours later the D&C was complete (quite a quick procedure and relatively painless physically).

A bit of a weird time - trying to slowly come to terms of the practical. Who is going to pick up the kids, who is going to tell everyone, who is going to call work. Can I call Colin and tell him what is going on without crying and wasting all my batteries trying to blurt it out.

Random thoughts. Like thank God we didn't tell the kids, didn't buy anything or pull out the maternity clothes, I'm going to have to work over the holidays, will I be able finally lose these extra 25 pounds (not this pregnancy related but from Rowan), it wil be nice to have a glass of wine to get through this, and finally won't this day ever be over?

Everything changed on Monday. Everything stayed the same as well.

While I am sad that this chapter won't end on a happy note, I am also reminded of all the gifts I have. 2 healthy children, a loving husband and a wagon full of caring family and friends and work colleagues.

In the end
This too shall pass....

And baby makes 5

Well I think that we have told all the relevant family members - so here comes our news officially.

We are pregnant again & expecting in December. I feel fine, although a bit tired. Not a lot of nausea.

We have been debating as to whether or not we are going to find out the gender of this new Redekop.

There is significant pressure to have a girl (as there only boy cousins on both sides of the family). However I would like to know for more practical reasons. If it is a boy then I will stop lending out my boy stuff. But if it is a girl then I can start to shop the sales! But truth be told I am just a nosy nelly....

If you have any boys names or girl names that you could suggest that would be great. Our steadfast girl name has been snatched by a co worker (although it does go amazingly well with her first child's name).

I struggle with the term 'we are pregnant' because clearly 'WE' are not pregnant. I am pregnant and I am going to be the one to have 2 needles in my spine & go through abdominal surgery again. And I am going to be the one who is going to be a human milk truck for the entire year of 2008. Colin gets to do the fun stuff. Like sleep through the night. The whole 'we' concept is for newbies who have not figured out that the job is not 50 / 50 (more like 80 / 20 on a good day).

Stay tuned....

The X Factor

I need to clearly state that I do not endorse the following activity.

You should not google ex boyfriends - unless you are prepared to deal with the feelings of inadequacy in the event that they are leading their life dream of being an indie rock star.

This happened to me last night when I typed in my first boyfriends name into the effective search engine from HELL.

Turns out said ex boyfriend - who went out with me for about 5 years from the ages of 15 - 20 - has become a member of a alternative rock band which has gained significant acclaim in the UK.

I should note that I was not a great girlfriend and we actually broke up over the phone during When Harry Met Sally. There is probably a song on their new album called - 'Can't believe that Bag Dumped me During a Commercial Break'.

But hearing that someone that I spent some formative years with is actually doing something COOL was quiet disturbing. I now feel very old - like I would be mistaken for one of band members mother as opposed to former girlfriend.

Is this the slide into middle age? Every once in a while I catch myself sliding towards my 40s.... without a lot of fanfare. Just another hourly wage earner paying off the mortgage. I think that it may be time to make a big life decision - like move to the UK to practive social work. Or the UN. Or something exciting. So that when I am googled it says that I have actually done something exciting and unique.

Don't get me wrong - I love my husband, my children and my dogs (and I guess my house with its 90's sea foam green carpet). But I crave to do something out of the predictable. I want my kids to have a story to be able to experience life instead of sitting in our cookie cutter house watching Friends Reruns.

Or maybe I just need a mani / pedi & snap out of this malaise.

James if you are curious the band's name is Elizabeth & I believe they have some concert dates coming up in London. And not Ontario but England.

Spin till you yak......

There is a new game at my house - spin your brother till he throws up (or stumbles around like a partygo-er on Granville Street). This is great fun for the boys - less fun for me as I either am cleaning up or trying to weave them around previously safe items sucvh as the coffee table, floor, walls, etc. And of course the inevitable tears if the spinning game is stopped before the above mentioned events take place.

I have been reflecting lately about what it means to parent two boys. I have all the books, Raising Caine, The Wonder of Boys, etc. But I have not really had time to read them as I am usually falling into bed shortly after them. Which I think is a symptom of parenting boys... there are no real 'down times' where they colour (usually eat the crayons or else use them as Bewers), watch a movie (well Linden will sit, but then Rowan initiates the spinning game.....), or play quietly (usually whatever they are playing with gets turned into a Bewer...). So where is the time to 'educate' myself about boys? I suppose I will need to make the time before they get to school so that I can advocate for them as they pretend to bew everyone on the playground.

So here's to all the mother of boys - go on through these uncharted waters & hopefully I'll see you at the end!

Autumn Jenkinson

I came into work today and was greeted with the news that one of the social workers that I knew from Langley (and lately Abbotsford) was killed in a motorcycle accident in Abbotsford on the weekend.

I didn't know Autumn well, but she was always someone who smiled first, someone who was truely interested in what you had to say and someone who remembered your name. She had a gap toothed smile that could lightup a room and she had a great sense for funky accessories. I also learned today that she was the single parent of a 9 year old girl.

Life can change so quickly, in a moment all can shift in the most tragic way. I don't doubt that Autumn spent her last day in good cheer as that seemed to be the way she led her life. I just can't get over how young she was (30) and the loss is so shocking for her family and co workers. Most of all I think about her daughter, all of a sudden motherless.

So here's to you Autumn, I wish your family and friends the strength that they need to get through this moment. I will miss your smile.