Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dear Mean Girl Muffia,

I refer to the Muffia at my kids school often - but stumbled across a blog post by hockemomblog.net which accurately describes the phenomemon.

"I know you have a Muffia at your school, club, church, neighborhood association or sports league; the group of moms who seek power and prestige through getting in with the teachers, chairing committees and claiming parking spots. They travel in packs and make sure their children do as well.

For those who are wondering: Who are the Muffia? How do I spot them? Is there a Muffia uniform? I give you a quick Muffia Hierarchy:

1.) Associate: A Workout, Yoga or Tennis Outfit...she's not quite as "into it" as the rest of the Muffia, mostly because she is so busy with her training schedule. She is forever in her workout clothes just to remind you that she is better than you, and has just come from the gym.

2.) The Foot Soldier: Style varies depending on her schedule. She is busy keeping up with her little ones and reporting to all the duties the Capo ropes her into. She is often found on set up/clean up duty at events. Not all foot soldiers become Capos, plenty happily volunteer for years without any aspirations of power. Others drop out altogether.

3.) Capo: Cardigan, bootcut jeans, Dansko clogs, Vera Bradley bag with plenty of pens...she's been around long enough to carry an important folder to school pick up. It's full of committee notes to be passed to the Boss, or some other such nonsense. Her chief duties are furthering the agenda of the Boss, whatever that might be that week.

4.) Consigliere (Underboss): The closest confidante of the boss. She will usually be the most attractive one of the bunch, and the wealthiest. She was chosen for this position by the boss for these qualities. She is dressed well, carries a Luis Vuitton bag, wears Ray Bans and drives a shiny SUV. She goes on glamorous vacations and talks about them loudly. She makes the Boss seems fancy by association.

5.) The Boss: She is the quintessential Mean Girl. She was picked on as a teenager and has decided to make sure this never happens to her own children. She ensures this by yielding extreme power over other mothers, teachers, the principal. She ensures her children are in the right class, on the right teams, with the right children. She chooses her husband's friends. The Boss believes her children are entitled to the best of everything and that her purpose is to make sure they get it. The rest of us are just in the way.

How to deal with the Muffia, you ask? Well that, my friends, is a story for another day. Tomorrow, I promise.

To Be Continued.... http://hockemomblog.net"

Hats off to you www.hockemomblog.net for a great summary.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Dear First Time Mom,

Hello! So good to hear from you! Hope you are not too puffy & can still fit into your shoes!

Here is the low down on my labours:

L - water broke at 39 weeks. because I was strep B + I had to go to the family birthing unit (which should be renamed She Who Roared Unit) right away and get hooked up to some petocin to start the contractions. That was horrific as the contractions were coupling & I could not catch my breath.

Cue the anesthetologist! I had my epidural and everything was puppies and balloons. I pushed for about 2 hours once I was fully dialated but nothing... everyone who did an internal exam went up to their elbows and said 'Baby too High!'.

L. never came into the birth canal and ended up being a csection. Which was kind of gross as I was injured from all the pushing (and yes you will poop and vomit {definately poop due to the pushing} - vomitting can happen when you transition from one stage of labour to the end stage) and had my section scar (which is technically 'bikini safe' however that can never be proven as no 'regular' women have ever worn a bikini after children).

It's all very UNSEXY and it is amazing that people have more than one baby.

R: super gross. Water broke again without contractions. He was bron at 33 weeks so the c section went through thicker muscle and joy of joys I also got an infecton in the incision.

E: water broke 37 weeks. Scheduled c-section although got bumped off the OR table by some junkie who took a bunch of cocaine and went into early labour with a baby heart beat over 200. So while waiting for the OR to turn around I started to have contractions on my own... it was okay and they grew more intense every cycle. But you are not allowed to 'labour' for your third c section as it is very dangerous for baby and you due to placenta abruption. So wisked in for the c section. It was my BEST section and I felt like Posh Spice (minus the concrete tits).

Okay so just re read this and have deemed myself a c section expert and a vaginal birth 'tard.

So here is my c section words of wisdom:

- spinal anesthisia is horrific but no one even pretends that a needle in the spine is a walk in the park. Honesty is nice.

- baby is born quickly and your partner can watch baby being born and will likely be given baby to bring to your face.

- it can take a while for the spinal to wear off. In BC they keep you in the recovery room until you can feel the ice on your chest. Baby usually stays with mom and they encourage you to start breast feeding & snuggling skin on skin.

- you will have a tube for pee (can't recall the name right now...) but nothing makes the pee bag classy so don't even try. Cathetar! It stays for about 24 hours and it is a mind over matter thing to get your body to pee on demand. And then you have an Austin Powers pee due to the fact that your bladder finally has space to stretch out.

- your breast milk might be delayed in coming in if you have a section. Might come in on day 3 or 4 as opposed to day 2 or 3 with a vaginal birth. MAKE the lactation consultants stay with you and teach you about latch. It can be like a lunar docking. Tiny baby - big boob. Try the football hold if the cross body hold doesn't work. Nurses will know what this is.

- you still bleed alot after a c section (not at the incision but vaginally). Someone told me that they shop vacced when they did a c section but that never happened for me for any of my sections. Prepare with BIG pads. Hospital will have some but make sure you have some for home.

- you cramp as your uterus goes back to size.

- take deep breaths every 15 minutes (or as often as you can remember) as this will help with any shoulder pain (air trapped when they sew you back up) and will ensure your lungs are reaching capacity.

- they will give you a morpine bollus before you leave the OR. You will feel AMAZING for about 24hours (then you get itchy) and you will be getting out of bed, moving furniture around, etc). then day 2 hits and you want to cry and cry and cry because you realise someone actually cut open your belly. And it hurt. You can use tylenol and advil at the same time but I always found that advil worked best for surgical pain. Okay for baby as it is only for a few days and your milk will not be in full force.

- watch for infection at your incision - it will be a red 'creeping' up or down your torso. It's not good but they have great antibiotics that you can take. You might get staples - which are great unless you have an allergy.

- you will sneeze or laugh when the morphine has worn off and it willl HURT. You will be amazed at how often you sneeze in real life.

I felt 'recovered' from my sections about a week later. Take all the help you can get. Sleep when baby sleeps.

oh my goodness - this sounds scary! But no matter what the delivery is over quickly and the real scary stuff starts... parenting!

I hope it all goes well! Thinking about you and can't wait to get the update.